Bullied

Panic overwhelmed me as two older girls dragged me by my shirt towards the smirking bully, the hallway predator observing the new girl. I could see her laugh exclaiming “LOOK AT THAT UNIBROW!” as I struggled to break their grip. “So, you’re the new girl and you think you’re cool?” she questioned, mockingly.

“Please let me go, I really need the toilet,” I said in my best pleading voice. They let me go and I ran blissfully to the safety of my teacher. I was hopeful, I’d outsmarted them and now it would be ok.

“Miss, those girls over there are picking on me,” I said pointing them out.

“Stop telling tales and talk to your friends” she replied knocking the wind out of my sails. I stood there helpless and alone as I watched the bullies laugh to their heart’s content. Fear and panic crushed and overwhelmed my mind as I walked alone into my brand new school the next day. Life was about to get very tough.

I was utterly bullied as a child. I’ve made excuses for it over the years — from “we were only tiny!” to “well, it was an all-girls school” and “I suppose I was very socially awkward” — but no kid deserves to be, say, the subject of a grade-wide boycott on any physical or verbal contact because classmates were afraid of catching my eccentric “germs.”

As I’ve grown older, however, I’ve become interested in just how devastating bullying during childhood can be in the future. This is my attempt to send out a strong message which has to be shared through my words- A message that enables one to stand up and voice out the pain. I didn’t know how to tell anyone about what was going on, so I just kept it bottled up inside and let the lies grow. I couldn’t open up to my parents as I didn’t want them to regret the decision that involved switching schools, or showing them how powerless and weak I was.

I wasn’t the only one. Sheli from the neighboring class admired a teacher who reminded her of her mother. Her appreciation turned into an obsession in the eyes of those bullies, and soon enough, she was harassed and called a “lesbian”.

Emma received a present from a friend and looked seemingly happy about it. When she left the class to use the washroom, a tormentor grabbed it, ran off, and tossed it out the window. Gifts she received later helped mend the pain, but hard words and harsh actions bruised her heart forever.

I started avoiding people, feigning illness, escaping at lunchtimes to cover my head and pretend I was asleep. I had no identity and no friends, because each time I made friends, bullies shamed them for being associated with me.

Things took a serious turn in the summer of 2008 when my brother finally arrived home after a year for his semester break. My family whipped out delicious treats every day to compensate the food he didn’t receive in his boarding school, inevitably leading me to a slightly chubbier side. The cruel words like “fugly”, “fatso” “ugly duckling” were hurled on like stones as I walked across the hall. The 13-year-old me took those words seriously and frantically looked for a way to get back to my lean frame.

I pinned my entire self-worth on how I looked, and only now do I realize how perilous that was. I was possessed by the treacherous desire to lose weight by throwing up after every meal and I rarely went out because I hated the way I looked and was ashamed to be seen out in public. It soon became a dangerous habit that I couldn’t just break away from and I continued making myself ill day in, day out. Soon enough, my tormenters found another way to crawl into my vulnerability and created a fake profile on Facebook under my name to shame me publicly. Finally, when I couldn’t take it anymore, our school counselor called me into her office and asked me if I was okay. I fell to the floor and broke down. I let everything out. I wanted to be neither a bully nor a victim. But whenever bullies were present in my environment I always struggled to find any middle ground. Soon though I discovered my love for music and my ability to vent out my problems through songwriting, and my prowess rapidly earned me respect. Gigs at the school assemblies hardened me and gave me confidence. I gradually started standing myself and discovering my identity, which slowly led to new friends and a newfound self-esteem.

The result of anxiety caused by silent bullying and manipulation is the brain creating a plethora of worst case scenarios. The abuser can spend very little energy while the victim’s brain does all the work. For those captured under the atrocities of bullying- Everything may seem like it’s the end of the world right now, but nothing compares to the joy you receive in future when you channel the negative energy into a positive source. It seems hard to believe that you could ever be happy with the traumatic events occurring in your life right now, but shall pass.

There is a bigger world out there, a world bigger than high school. It doesn’t matter if you’re the school’s prettiest girl with the fanciest nail paint, the most sought-after rich guy with the most expensive football jersey, or the biggest nerd in school since life measure capabilities than appearances. In order to truly love anyone, you must first learn to love and value yourself because flaws make one special and imperfectly perfect. It was the hardest experience of my life but it bore the fruit of the greatest lessons I have ever learned. I learned that I could achieve anything I want to regardless of what anyone says. I learned to channel my emotions in a direction that would help me, not hinder me. Find out who you are, and try not to be afraid of it because whoever tries to bring you down is already below you.